What not to do - and what to do instead

During a PTSD reaction, the person’s threat system may be highly activated. They may be panicked, frozen, disconnected, agitated, defensive, or unable to process information clearly.

In that moment, the goal is not to win an argument, get a full explanation, or make the person “act normal”.

The goal is to reduce intensity and help the person feel safer.

Do not say “calm down”

Why this may not help:

When a person is overwhelmed, “calm down” can feel like criticism, pressure, or dismissal. It may also suggest that the person is choosing the reaction.

Try instead:

• “Let’s slow this down.”
• “You’re here with me.”
• “We can take this one step at a time.”
• “Do you want to step outside or stay here?”

__________________________________________________________

Do not raise your voice

Why this may not help:

A loud, sharp, or impatient tone can increase the sense of threat, even if your words are meant to help.

Try instead:

Speak slowly and quietly. Use short sentences. Pause between instructions.

For example:

• “I’m here.”
• “You are in [place].”
• “Let’s move somewhere quieter.”

__________________________________________________________

Do not give too many instructions at once

Why this may not help:

During a strong reaction, the person may not be able to process complex information. Too many instructions can increase confusion or overwhelm.

Try instead:

Give one simple suggestion at a time.

For example:

• “Look around.”
• “Name one thing you can see.”
• “Feel your feet on the floor.”
• “Take your time.”

__________________________________________________________

Do not argue about what is real

Why this may not help:

During a flashback or intense reaction, the person’s body may feel as if danger is present now. Arguing with the experience can increase distress or make the person feel misunderstood.

Try instead:

Gently orient the person to the present.

For example:

• “You are here.”
• “We are in [place].”
• “It is [day/time].”
• “The event is not happening now.”

The goal is not to prove them wrong. The goal is to help them reconnect to the present.

__________________________________________________________

Do not touch the person without consent

Why this may not help:

Unexpected touch can feel threatening, especially if the trauma involved physical harm, sexual violence, restraint, or loss of control.

Try instead:

Give space. Ask before touching.

For example:

• “Would it help if I sit near you?”
• “Do you want me to stay here?”
• “Is it okay if I put a hand on your shoulder?”

If you are not sure, do not touch.

__________________________________________________________

Do not block exits or restrict movement

Why this may not help:

Feeling trapped can increase panic, fear, or defensiveness.

Some people with PTSD may feel safer when a door remains open, when they can sit near an exit, or when they know they are free to leave.

This does not necessarily mean that they want to leave. Knowing that leaving is possible may itself reduce the sense of pressure and help them remain in the situation.

Try instead:

Allow space and a clear way out when possible.

For example:

• “You can step outside if you need to.”
• “Would a quieter place help?”
• “We do not have to stay here.”

__________________________________________________________

Do not demand explanations in the moment

Why this may not help:

The person may not know what triggered the reaction. They may also be unable to explain while overwhelmed.

Try instead:

Focus on immediate safety and regulation. Talk later, if the person wants to.

For example:

• “You do not have to explain right now.”
• “Let’s just get through this moment.”
• “We can talk later if you want.”

PTSD is not only visible during strong reactions. It can also affect daily communication, relationships, work, study, sleep, trust, and emotional regulation.

The following responses can reduce misunderstanding and avoid adding unnecessary pressure.

Do not minimize the experience

Avoid saying:

• “It was a long time ago.”
• “Others have it worse.”
• “You need to move on.”
• “Just be positive.”

Why this may not help:
These statements can increase shame and isolation. They may make the person feel that their distress is being judged or dismissed.

Try instead:

• “I may not fully understand, but I believe this is hard.”
• “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.”
• “What would feel helpful right now?”
• “You do not have to explain everything for me to take it seriously.”

__________________________________________________________

Do not push the person to talk about the trauma

Why this may not help:
Talking about trauma can be helpful in the right context, but it should not be forced. Pressure can make the person feel less safe and less in control.

Try instead:
Let the person decide how much they want to share.

For example:

• “You do not have to tell me the details.”
• “I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “We can also just sit quietly.”
• “You can decide what you want me to know.”

Do not interpret avoidance as laziness or lack of effort

Why this may not help:
Avoidance can be part of PTSD. A person may avoid places, tasks, conversations, people, or situations because they feel overwhelming or unsafe.

Try instead:
Try to understand what may be making the situation difficult.

For example:

• “Is there a part of this that feels too much right now?”
• “Would it help to break this into smaller steps?”
• “Would another time or setting be easier?”

This does not mean removing every expectation. It means approaching the difficulty with curiosity rather than judgment.

__________________________________________________________

Do not expect complete consistency

Why this may not help:
PTSD symptoms can fluctuate. Sleep, stress, triggers, anniversaries, conflict, workload, or sensory overload can affect a person’s capacity from one day to another.

Try instead:
Recognize that functioning may vary.

For example:

• “I noticed today seems harder. Is there anything that would make this more manageable?”
• “Would a short break help?”
• “Can we agree on what needs to happen today and what can wait?”

__________________________________________________________

Do not take every reaction personally

Why this may not help:

Withdrawal, irritability, silence, or needing space may be connected to overwhelm, fear, shame, or exhaustion. The reaction may not necessarily be about you.

Try instead:

Before responding from a place of hurt or anger, it may help to pause and try to lower the tension.

You might say:

• “I can see this is not a good time.”
• “Let’s take a break and come back to this later.”
• “This conversation matters to me, but we do not have to resolve everything right now.”

Understanding what may be behind a reaction does not mean ignoring behaviour that hurts other people. If harmful behaviour needs to be stopped, it is important to do so clearly and calmly. A fuller conversation about what happened can take place once the distress has decreased.

__________________________________________________________

Do not force exposure to triggers

Why this may not help:

Pushing someone into a situation that triggers a reaction because you believe it will be “good for them” may increase distress and strengthen avoidance of similar situations in the future.

Exposure used as part of treatment is usually gradual, structured, and carried out with professional support. Do not try to conduct exposure on someone else yourself.

Try instead:

Allow the person to decide whether they want to try, when they want to try, and at what pace.

For example:

• “Would it help to plan this in advance?”
• “Do you want to try for a few minutes and then decide?”
• “What would make this feel more manageable?”
• “We can leave if it becomes too much.”

__________________________________________________________

Do not assume that support means fixing

Why this may not help:

People often try to solve the problem quickly because they feel helpless. But PTSD is not something another person can fix through one conversation, one suggestion, or one piece of advice.

Try instead:
Offer steady, realistic support.

For example:

• “I’m here.”
• “You do not have to handle this alone.”
• “Would practical help be useful?”
• “I can help you look for support if you want.”

Sometimes what helps most is not advice, but calm presence, patience, and respect.

When in doubt, try to reduce the sense of threat and increase choice.

This may mean:

• Lowering your voice
• Slowing down
• Giving space
• Offering options
• Avoiding pressure
• Being predictable
• Asking rather than assuming
• Respecting boundaries
• Taking risk seriously

Small changes in how people respond can reduce shame, isolation, and escalation.

They do not replace professional treatment, but they can make daily life less overwhelming.