Talking about suicide: how to ask and listen

Asking directly about suicide does not put the idea into someone’s head. It can make it easier for the person to speak honestly and may reduce the isolation surrounding what they are experiencing.

You can ask a short, direct question:

“Are you thinking about suicide?”

You can also begin by saying what you have noticed and acknowledging the person’s distress:

“You have been carrying a great deal, and it sounds as though you feel trapped and cannot see a way out. Sometimes, when people feel this overwhelmed, they think about suicide. Have you been thinking about suicide?”

The introduction should reflect what the person has actually said or what you have genuinely noticed. Avoid exaggerating their distress or putting feelings into words that they have not expressed.

Use the word “suicide” clearly rather than relying only on vague expressions such as “doing something” or “hurting yourself.”

If the person says that they are thinking about suicide, ask calmly about the level of immediate danger:

• “Have you thought about how you might do it?”
• “Do you have a plan?”
• “Do you have access to what you were thinking of using?”
• “Do you think you might act on these thoughts soon?”
• “Are you worried that you might act on these thoughts if you are left alone right now?”

These questions are not an interrogation. They help clarify how immediate the danger may be and what kind of help is needed.

Try to remain calm, give the person time to speak, and listen without arguing with their feelings. You do not need to find an immediate solution or convince them that they have no reason to feel this way.

Avoid saying:

• “Think about your family.”
• “Other people have it worse.”
• “You have so much to live for.”
• “You would never really do that.”
• “That is selfish.”
• “You just need to calm down.”
• “Everything will be fine.”

Also avoid questions that suggest the answer you hope to hear, such as:

• “You are not actually going to do it, are you?”
• “You are not thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?”
• “You would not do that to your family, would you?”

These statements can dismiss the person’s distress, create guilt, or communicate that an honest answer would be difficult for you to hear.

Instead, you can say:

• “I’m really glad you told me.”
• “I’m listening.”
• “You do not have to deal with this alone.”
• “I want to help you stay safe.”
• “Let’s work out who we can contact.”
• “I’m staying with you while we get help.”

Do not promise to keep information about an immediate danger secret.

Sometimes, reaching out for help can be difficult in itself. A person in distress may not know who to contact, what to say, or how to explain what they are experiencing. They may also feel too overwhelmed to take the first step alone.

If the person has suicidal thoughts but does not appear to be about to act, help them connect with support as soon as possible.

This may include a local crisis support service, a primary care provider, a mental health professional, a local mental health service, or another person they trust.

You can offer practical help by finding an appropriate service, staying with the person while they make contact, helping arrange an appointment, or checking in again after the conversation.

Do not assume that the danger has passed simply because the person appears calmer or says that they are fine.

Talking about suicide can feel frightening, but silence does not make the risk disappear.

You do not need perfect words.

Ask directly. Listen without judgment. Take the answer seriously. Help the person connect with appropriate support.

If there is immediate danger, involve local emergency or crisis services.